Mess-a

Maybe the space is cursed. Meza occupies what was once vegan nightmare, the Globe. Now it's a tapas restaurant. Unfortunately, though the prices are reasonable (for tapas) and menu sounds promising, it's just not that good. The sangria is only passable. The tortilla portions are so small that the waiter admitted they should be giving them away (and then, kindly, he did just that). The food is incredibly bland and uninspired. At $12, the Vegetales is nothing more than a glorified salad; a disappointing one at that. The corn cakes in the Arepitas resemble over-sized Communion wafers from both a visual and textural standpoint. I had to ask for a dish of salt to make it palatable. In fact, you're going to need that dish of salt for pretty much everything you order. The only thing that works out is the Morrocoy Bocadillo (pulled pork sandwich). But there's no shortage of good pulled pork in this town. You might as well patronize a place that also does other dishes well. It didn't help our experience that the waiter took every opportunity to bad-mouth the food. Unfortunately, he was right about everything. Sorry Meza, but you're kind of a mess-a.

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Restaurants • First Hill / Pike / Pine

Nothing Tops It

Maybe it's because students aren't known as early risers that there's a disturbing lack of breakfast options in the U. District. Sure, you can get a coffee and pastry just about anywhere. But what happens when you want some damn French toast? Make it yourself? Fat chance. Fortunately, there's Portage Bay Café. Their sweet breakfast menu includes several types of Challah French toast (double down on the protein) and hearty buckwheat pancakes. Every order includes a trip to the toppings bar where you can smother your organic goodness with fruit, nuts, whipped cream and syrup to your inner child's heart's content. If you're after something a little more savory, they also offer 4 Benedicts and 6 Hashes. Some breakfast items are available all day but you can also move on to sandwiches and salads if you're so inclined. Their organic offerings are a whose who of Seattle heavyweights including Essential Baking Company, Bseecher's Flagship Cheese and Jones Soda. It's never too early (or late) for a mimosa and theirs are fully customizable via their vast juice selection. If you prefer to steer clear of the UD, you can also visit their South Lake Union and Ballard locations. Toppings bar!

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Restaurants • U District

Goat Get Some (Sorry)

Forget everything you know about gelato! It doesn't have to be made by Italians (which came as a surprise to this half-Guido). It doesn't have to be made from Cows milk. It doesn't even have to be made from milk at all! The Fainting Goat throws all of your gelato preconceptions out the window. This Turkish family-owned business sits in the heart of Wallingford, giving that Molly Moon person a run for her money. (Plus, at least for now, the line at F.G. is MUCH shorter). So not all their gelato comes from a goat, just their titular flavor. But it's a must-try. Maybe the goat is fainting because it can't believe that something so delicious came from its own body. Those nice people also offer several dairy-free Sorbetto flavors. Finally, there really IS such a thing as vegan gelato. Don't worry purists. They also do a mighty fine cow's milk gelato in the usual coffee, chocolate, coconut and pistachio varieties, served with the familiar mini plastic gelato shovel. For funzies, they maintain a rotating menu of more adventurous flavors like Strawberry Shortcake, Kasaba Melon and Peanut Butter (duuuuuuuuude). As a bonus, their scoops are enormous. Goat get some. (Sorry.)

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Restaurants • Wallingford

The Brown Derby Series

Hollywood has produced a lot of silly screenplays. But now, there's something more fun than getting drunk and making fun of these movies with your friends. And that's getting drunk and watching the professionals do it. Ian Bell has assembled an amazingly talented cast to lampoon the crap out of titles like Total Recall, Sixteen Candles, The Goonies, and 9 to 5. No film is safe so long as it can be punched up with men in shoddy drag, prosthetic body parts and a little dry humping. Each show comes with its own surprises. For Aliens, local dance troupe The Buttrock Suites dressed in scary black leotards and boogied their way in and out of our hearts. Unfortunately, Brown Derby is a little like a bolt of lightening. You never know when it’s going to strike. But keep your eyes peeled for the fliers and get there early because they don’t take reservations. If you're really lucky, you might catch local celebrity and theatrical genius, Nick Garrison, play the female lead. His Sharon Stone in Total Recall was awe-inspiring. But no matter whose on stage, you can be sure they'll bring the hilarity. Also, sometimes there are cupcakes.

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Nightlife • Downtown / Denny Triangle

Speak Easy

In true speakeasy fashion, you have to know about it to get in. The door is locked from the inside so if you were just wandering, you'd think the place closed. But if you ring the doorbell, a friendly chap answers, welcoming you inside and handing you a large menu full of old timey cocktails, mostly involving gin. Every day, they craft a new punch and serve up cups for $3 during happy hour. The beer selection is small (and includes currant cider), but people don't come to a speakeasy for beer. They come for the hooch. Soak up all those bathtub libations with a little nosh. The chow selection is small but more than sufficient, including lamb sliders, spicy mac and cheese, hot dogs and a crustini and cheese plate with pear butter. Oh, and don't forget to obey the rules or you'll be eighty-sixed. No cell phones, pictures, or standing. It's for your own good, pops. There will never be more people than there are chairs. That means you will always be able to use hushed tones to plot with your cohorts. Chin chin.

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Nightlife • First Hill / Pike / Pine